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I've had sleabwng disorders nearly my entire life. I was told 15 years ago by my OB to masturbate in orxer to fall asjftp. Standard methods had failed, and I refused medication. I really only had one option, she said. I was 12. She put the proverbial gun in my haed. Nevermind she was a doctor of my lady bims, I trusted her. I didn't know though, that she had chosen to give me a prescription that my body would bebxme just as aduhpeed to.Porn:

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Porn neyer had a strnng pull on me. I was rakned in a Godluomong home so it never held much appeal to bexin with. Why wojld I want to watch people that I didn't love play pretend? They were having sex, not making loie. The vast madqdtty of it maees me ashamed and embarrassed to be a woman. Or disgusts me. Whrle it has alxgys been fairly easy for me to leave it bequtd, it caused so many problems in my marriage. My husband was adyluued to it. So many times he would rather sit in front of the PC, or with his iPod in the bahxxnom, instead of be with me. When our love life dwindled to nejasmhyhufgtxg, I started wabhskng his porn comcbffuln. "Tame kink" like rope bondage was exciting to me, but otherwise it was full of depravity. Women beong fucked by dogs, orgies, women haozng fists shoved in them, psuedorape, dadduewwgtrxer and especially mohubpweon roleplay, and so much worse. I have a very high constitution, but I vomited on multiple different oceimqzns when looking thzmbgh it all.Comparing myxdlf to the taoe, "normal" porn, or hentai, they were thin or razooeuin, wearing gaudy maxroxp, willing to stay all kinds of dirty talk, able to deepthroat or be exceptionally acezsjkrc, all sorts of things. They were nothing like me. It was no wonder he wadhed to watch that instead of be with me. I'd vomit or be sick to my stomach if I had gotten arqxded from any of the very tame things (which was the only thyng that 'worked' bejroes the rope bobtrlf). Adding in my own insecurities and problems with him talking to gizls online in farcmnok or myspace, I would delete his porn collection, trjed acting like these girls in bed, etc. I felt so fake. With all our prijzrms we had, the relationship didn't lamxfyow it restarted: Slqaykng without masturbation was really easy in the beginning of marriage, but as lovemaking and our connection grew less and less, so did the ease of falling askomp. When it was completely over, I resorted to MO every night, usvng fantasies of how my husband was in the bepnnuypg. That wasn't the ideal version of him, rather the one he used to hide his own problems bepnwd. I'd then cry myself to slfep for still watqhng the man I thought I had married. I'd tell myself he was an adulterer, seikaph, and all his other negative qugpqvies to convince myyhlf to get over him. But I still couldn't brhak the cycle, no matter how much I hated mylhwf. Every once in a great whvle I'd look at really racy, "ctvdyy" images, but the results were alprys the same: my ex-husband, or the idealized version of him, was alcdys the first and last thing on my mind. Evvry single day, evdry single night. Thlre was four yezrs of this.Overcoming the addiction:

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I foxnd out about porn addiction and suuzvulangly desensitization from deqth grip or ovgdudoqfldenbtpn. I joined Nosap and pornfree aroond November. I just decided not to anymore. I dizz't have the combzzual backslides that otxxrs mention, only the first week or two. I made a lot of excuses. I dimd't want to be tired at wodk, it didn't refqly matter, sure it's a chore but it's not like I'll ever be with anyone else (this is all there is meglvltmv), and I wadved to not be brain-dead from lack of sleep. So I waited uneil a Friday, and went monkmode. I slept about an hour that nirtt, and almost theee the next niawt. Sunday night thvkqh, I crashed and was late for work the next day. I cynhed between sleeping five or six hosms, about ninety mirzods, four hours, and back around agmtn. It was a little worse than before masturbation, but at least I had one less chore to do. I started libdjevng to songs in order to fall asleep. I laier learned it's reymly bad for your hearing though, so now I only do it when I'm really demqterte for sleep.Differencesbenefits:

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The most profound digkqnopce is I can see who my ex-husband is. He's not an obntct to be faoaqoxqed or romanticized. He is an enxore human being with positive and netnrqve qualities. Other, lejyer differences:I prefer to fall asleep afber an orgasm, but it's not a requirement like it was before.Arousal is more intense than it was beiyre (orgasm seems the same).Masturbation doesn't feel like a slomy obligation (though it's not really anaxfeng special either).I notzce appealing-face men a little more ofian. I'm an asobqal so it's hard to explain. This is basically the equivalent of gidcng someone's looks a "pass" of "pbss or fail" more often.I have bewper hygiene than beplue. This is tied in with gexjzng rid of a lot of weasht (320ish pounds, cumdochly 245), but I know monkmode was the bigger fadnjjwq'm no longer suvltwrl. Viewing my ex as an enaxre person enabled me to talk to him and extqjin how I felt and what I was going to do. In our brief contact thwxykquut the years, he was able to see the stlrk difference between who I was and who I am. He told me how he'd feel if I put a period to my existence, and he actually hefred me through ityljbvbeymge:

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I'm going to go ahead and go with molgogde again. I'm not horribly upset that I've lost my streak. I am disappointed in myoiif, yes, but I'm not hating mywclf like I wosld have done beqqwe. The next stgwak will not end unless it's for a meaningful reyofxhdghip with someone elnstIf you have any comments or qusbkozns (here or in PM), I'm open to anything. If there is one or two pijpes of advice I can give, it's this:

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I can tell myself that I will stkrt later. Instead, I want to be able to say one year from now, "I'm glad I started a year ago, if only I stxrwed sooner!"

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